Speaking for the millions of Californians who used to love San Francisco, I think it is safe to say how overjoyed we are that supervisors in The City have struck such a great deal on the cost of a public toilet—$ 1.7 million for not one, but two royal outhouses. 

A surefire way to bring us back. Can’t you see it now? 

The CA State Department of Tourism’s next “Visit California” ad. Images from a drone flying overhead: 

  • The Golden Gate; 
  • Someone breaking into a car; 
  • Tourists gobbling up crab on Fisherman’s Wharf; 
  • Alcatraz – that quaint and faint reminder of an era when criminals were treated like, well criminals;
  • As we pan back into The City, we zoom past Coit Tower and North Beach.
  • We hover over Union Square where gangs – oh, I meant study groups – of youth shoplift – oh, I meant to enjoy a shopping spree – at Neiman Marcus as security guards while Merv and Bette from Kansas marvel at the free society.
  • As a bonus, we visit public buildings stripped of history, with a particular focus on purging a school once named after the horrible Abraham Lincoln.
  • We touch on the closed Whole Foods, Walgreen, and Target and are treated to a voiceover explaining that the remaining workforce must carry mace to get to their cars safely.
  • And for the coup d grace, the camera pans over blocks of homeless encampments and crazy people chasing after the children of a Colombian physician on vacation (true story).
  • SF is truly leading the world, especially with the fecal material and wafting scent of The City’s perfume brand — Eau d’ Pee-Pee.
  • And then . . . drum roll . . . The Toilets of The City. 

Step right up, folks. Get in line. Did you get your tickets from StubHub or Ticketmaster?

And then the dramatic close: 

The Supervisors, Mayor, and self-aggrandized elite residents atop Mount Olympus are wearing togas and fiddling away on their violins and congratulating themselves in honor of the crown jewel they call home, while everyone else is just a tourist.